Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fight for this love, no?

I can't say your name and you're the only person that knows why.

You like to ask about kawen and stuff and most of the time im actually asking myself, why are u telling me this.

Seems like that I brought that card of urs to class everyday (coz i placed it in my file).

But thanks for sending me the cards though.

Random msgs when ur bored? its definitely not cool.

Whenever, you don't know what to reply, you escape with an lol.

And yeah, we don't have that much in common anyways. What do we usually talk about?

u dont even reply my emails. ego?
yeah, guys.

so, i stopped sending them. well maybe i sent like 2 or 3.

Yeah. I care. Well, used to. I stopped.
maybe still, a lil bit.

and yeah, you apologized. but sometimes, people just go too far.

I don't get it. I just don't.

It's probably just not worth it anymore. I have realized that. I should.

Ok, time to start writing my fantasy love novel now.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

What Doesn't Kill You, will only make you Stronger.

Based on a true story...
two more finals and i'm done.
before that,

i remember it was a Thursday, the 26th to be exact.
i got a call around 1pm, i remember it being around zohor time.
it was my sister, crying. i was like what? she couldn't tell me what had happened and I had a feeling it was gonna be bad news. *pause*
she tells me she something and i was like what? and then passed the phone to my cousin.
my cousin calmly tells me the bad news.
Tok Ayah had left us. suddenly. so suddenly.

Studying so far away, this is something I was never mentally prepared for.
I just try to not think about it so much as it makes me so sad.
no more calls asking me how school's goin.
Allah loves him more.

That same day, I got the news that I had to the 421w lab all by myself, the whole semester because of a mix up. that just broke me into pieces literally. i was like begging Dr Sillman to let me team up with 2 other girls, so make it a group of 3. and he simply declined. he told me the labs are meant to be done individually, but since there's like too many students, he pairs them up.
and so the tearworks started. i still remember that very day. it couldn't get any worse.

he told me, people have done this before and you'll do fine ( i can't really remember his exact words but sumthin like that) and the TA, Monika,whom i bother like a lot, said, "This will make you a better person. It will be worth it in the end,". hmmm.
Note: Believe in yourself. (even though at that point, i was too depressed to do so)

Some of the experiments lasted the whole lab session. and since i was doing it alone,it usually takes me a long time! i'm usually the last to leave most of the time. i mean, i try not to be, but most of the time, I can't help it. it was depressing seeing the other groups leave early. but what was i to do, that was life.
there were times where i would get stinky results and i would have to write them on the board.
there was this one time where Dr Sillman said, "oh, someone's gotta change to the liberal arts major". OUCH! i focused more after that and my results got =) after that! See below: oh before i put down my numbers, he was like "Lucky num 13". haha. yeah. he likes to say random stuff like that. :)

After all the hard work of trying to put together a poster all by myself, here it is * proud* hehe. after 8 hours of cutting and glue-ing, this is the finished product. not bad ey?

So he asked me some questions , and i stuttered at first, even i didn't know what i was talking about at first but i got a hold of myself.

he did ask me this though, do u miss having a partner?
i just answered no. you get used to it after a while.

People who went around to see other people's poster came by mine and asked me if i did all by myself. yeah. i did. i managed to go thru the whole semester doing the experiments all by myself.
how i did it?
hmm. Allah knows best.

at the end of the lab session, i asked him

me: what should i do with my poster?
Dr Sillman: i can keep it here i u want. it's a good poster. ( yeay)
then, he added
me: yeah, sure. for the future generations to use.
Dr Sillman: i'll call it a non-winner poster. ( ouch!, there was a winner for the best poster)
me: well, i'd call it an independent poster. ( i think its gramatically incorrect but i think he knew what i meant)
Dr Sillman: I will tell them this was made by a student who said she couldn't do it on the first day of class. ( which was true)
Me: yeah. but i made it through.
Dr Sillman: ( to my classmate) did u know that she got (....) on a test?
My classmate: oh, you're one of them? lols.

point is, despite all my negativity in the beginning, i managed to overcome this. it made me a better person in the end. more independent. more confident. no partner drama. just me myself and i. my project was quite easy, Alhamdulillah. other people were still struggling with it even near the deadline.

I got back my manuscript today. It wasn't that bad after all. i don't have to re-write it. yes!

Alhamdulillah, everything turned out alrite in the end.
Always believe in yourself. Allah is always there for you. And he knows what's best. patience.

Dr Sillman, can I get my A now? pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee ? :)

What a long day!

November 28 2009 was the last post.

today its the 9th of December. it's been a year.
and a lot has happened.
i wonder why i stopped blogging. nothing to write about? just got lazy? or no one to read it?
maybe its time i jotted sum stuff. for fun. just coz i feel like it. its fun to sometimes do stuff when u just feel like it. like watch 3 korean movies on the weekend just before an exam on Monday or having a bag of m n m's without feeling guilty about it. oh well..

i'll tell u a bit about the unfortunate day of yesterday. i wanted to print out some pictures for my poster presentation for my 421w class today so i went to CVS to print out the pics on glossy paper. i put the pics in my hardrive coz i couldnt find my stinky pendrive. and guess what? it can't read my hard drive. so i would have to come again. i met my friend on the way to IP, and she gave me her pendrive. i was like aaaaaaaaaaaa, thank goodness! so i now i needed a computer to transfer the pictures! aha! let's go to the public library! and so i went. but u needed a password or a library number to log on. So I went to the counter and said " I just needed to transfer something real quick" and the librarian was like, "Are you a visitor? " , i was like errr?? " Do you have a library card?" she asked some more. " errr, no". ok then, i'll log you on after i help this lady. woah. so she logged me on. and guess what? i dunno what windows they were using but it couldn't read my hardisk. so i said thank you and went to find a computer lab. the nearest building was the engineering building and might i say, being the first time i stepped foot in that building, it was creeepy!
and i couldn't find a stinky computer lab.
so i had to walk uphill in the freezing cold to the Willard building.
and transferred the pics. good. now, got to get them printed.
i decided to go the CVS downtown instead.
and indeed, there were like 3 people ahead of me waiting to print pictures and i was trying to catch the bus!!!i was like , you have got to be kidding me!
so i walked back to the original CVS near the CATA bus stop and finally printed the pics there and at that time i was wayyyyyyyy to late to go to my BMB 400 class. hence, my first time not going to that class this semester. quite an accomplishment,might i say? oh wait, my second time. oh well.

and i took my math 004 exam, and being all too confident, i got the first question wrong. note to self: sometimes being overconfident is an overkill. and i checked like 5 times! takpelah x de rezeki. insyaALLAH, dpt A! :P

next post on what happened today just because i feel like sharing it :)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Who am i to you?

I know. I have had a lot of online friends in the past. Define online friends exactly. People who come and go as they please? People just there when they need someone to talk to and literally disappear? People who find you when they are bored or have nothing better to do?? If I'm a SO-CALLED friend, then why do they leave? What's real and what's not? The feeling of being used sure does suck.

Well, this one goes out to you people my "online" friends...

Am I real to you or just plain invisible?
Do I bring u joy or just a load of trouble?
Am I someone that you can really trust?
Or take away the friendship and turn it into dust?
Will you be there for me when I’m sad and blue?
Or will you be a stranger and run away too?
Am I just the companion when no one else is around?
Simply pushed away when get what u want
and disappear without a sound?
Am I just an “online” friend or a real friend to you?
Tell me this, and tell me now, coz I haven’t got a clue
My social life is “online” and it shouldn’t be like so
But who am I to talk to when there’s nowhere else to go?
I’m a great listener but I also like to share,
But maybe I’m a Nobody and thus I should not care
About what this friendship means to me
Deep down inside you is not the same as what I see
To appreciate a friendship with understanding and honesty
That indeed is the ultimate key
Sometimes I tend to, go and bother you,
But then I just tell myself, this is too good to be true,
I don’t want to be that person, who you find, when you have nothing to do
Or just entertain me out of pity; is the last thing I want from you,
In the end, I just want you to know that I do have feelings too;
Even if, I’m not real to you.

By: Hamizah Ruwaida Hamzah
7.50 PM EST 22 NOVERMBER 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009


Elmo is making me happy! I seriously feel like a kid again! =)It was so worth the 40 minute wait!!! lol

Friday, November 6, 2009

stranger or friend?

Someone once told me that sometimes, it's easier to tell your problems to a stranger. Maybe coz u have like no strings attached so you can simply pour your mindless heart out. And I see some truth to this actually, based on my own experiences. I mean, I may not be a pro about all this heart and soul issues and etc. but hey I'm not sucha bad listener. Haha. I like to listen to people's problems and stuff and supposedly give the advice they need to hear, as a friend. Or if the person is a complete stranger, just a shoulder to cry on.But sometimes the advice giver can't even find the perfect advice to give herself. And she turns to other strangers for advice. Sometimes, we are in a state of denial, wanting to believe what we want to believe and not believing what's real. And sometimes, we just want people to listen to our problems or at least try make us feel better by hoping that we did the right thing. But would they give us the definite answer? I doubt it. It's like asking your professor to answer a freakin hard problem and he only leads you in the direction but doesn't give you the answer. And the truth is, we should turn to Allah for guidance because Allah will lead us in the right direction, insya ALLAH. And we should turn to Him first for support when we need it the most.Not a stranger.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Dear you

Each time I say something I regret

I cry I don’t wanna lose you

But somehow I know that you would never leave me

Ironic, it seems. Ironic seems to be my current word or something.

A video, made from scratch that you finally got to see…

A poem, from the heart, not something I would write for anyone

I even carved your name in the snow, now tell me how many people would do that for u?

And you tell me I photoshop-ed it. Pfft. As if. I was shivering in the freakin cold!

Good thing I didn’t spend time composing you a song. That would just be the icing on the cake wouldn’t it?


I haven’t forgotten.

I’ve tried to forget. But it’s so much easier not to remember. Seriously.

Dear Hurt, it’s Time to pass you by.

Dear Pain, No more tears to gain

Dear Happiness, I say hello to moving on

Dear you, hope you’re happy with the choices you’ve made in your life.

I need to get a life.

Whatever that means.